LAUNCH YOURSELF INTO SPACE

i've just finished the idiot. it was too sad. really, too sad. i dont know if im ready to accept the level of sadness i have just assumed into my body.

the last two days ive been working fof Gokhan and enduring constant flirtations by him and other male peers. they are flirtations that i partake in on an individual basis, but which have become completely overwhelming in a group situation, where i am constantly dealing with obnoxious male competition, for no particular reason. gokhan. jamal. saykip. clarence. frank. guy. guy. dude. thing. sick.

maybe its some weird european thing. it seems like a strange kind of sexism. but maybe thats what sexism is. just strange. i suppose it can't always be a ceo asking his employee to sit on his lap or give him a blow job.

and today there was a lot of display dick wagging by the ugliest group of men ive ever seen. piss party union workers have a man-fit. sick.

the two days before i was driving various vehicles around brooklyn, queens, and manhatten. doing carpetry errands. get $570 worth of paint off the upper roadway, teak oil from the stuffy marine store on 47th, the bronze can of varnish at dyke's lumber, next to the scrap iron place in gowanus. endure unfriendly stares of dirty angry looking men working.

its a man's world, the one i've been occupying. its not particularly pleasant. i always thought i could overcome it. that somehow i would be so powerful and respected that it wouldnt happen to me. what was i thinking. it hurts. it hurts, myshkin. it makes me feel small.

selena says i need to say something.

i may try to get a cabbie liscence when i get back in july. or begin the process. i wonder if it would be too lonely. i could listen to a lot of music, though. and meet some people. for ten minutes of their life. i could actually make some money. i could go to europe. i could fly to chicago every other weekend to have sex and enjoy love.

i have this feeling that the next two weeks will be painful. my mental condition has no reason to be faltering. i take my medicine every day. i excersize. i eat well. and i guess it is external forces that are making me feel blue. today, mom said she felt 'blue' this morning. i think 'blue' is a very good expression.

the reason i feel blue the most is because my cat got lost. he broke through my roommates screen window into the backyard canyon, and we havent seen him for two days. he doesnt ever go outside. he is terrified of the outside. i really feel like crap. all kinds of things remind me of him, and how the fuck am i going to get him back. he greeted me at the door every day when i came home, he put his paws under the door when i went pee. he woke me up at night putting his nose to my nose and breathing my scent. he rubbed on me every morning when i got up. he hung out with me in the kitchen. i really fucking hope he comes back. i guess im making fliers tomorrow. i feel so downtrodden though.

my muscles have been sore for three days. i feel like im deficient in some vitamin. i think its affection.

last weekend i spent in chicago. in some kind of dream world bliss. so much affection, calmness... old friends, amazing sex, being close all night, delicious wine and beer. i feel like i have to pay for such goodness. and im in love. isnt that punishment enough!?

somebody send me five excellent cumbia compilations right now. i need them or i am going to lose faith in a world where myshkin disappears and so does my best friend.

i just read some of my old entries. some things happened i never really mentioned.

i've been unemployed now for a couple months- sort of. im collecting unemployment and working under the table. but under the table is sporadic and sometimes its nice just not to work.

also selena visited and i kind of fell in love with her and then i went to nashville and road the great wave of debauch which i so long have not been able to find.

im reading 'the idiot' which is amazing.

i bought 'mastering the art of french cooking' by julia child et al. i made garlic soup.

a girl named 'emma' who is a friend of my german roomate has induced a crush and likes to kiss me a lot but never bring me home.

in nashville one of the most beautiful women ive ever met fell for me while in a relationship and we did a lot of kissing also.

ive been spending a lot of time with kelly, who is hot and also likes to flirt with me but in a completely cruel way. i need to stop hanging out with kelly.

all in all- there are a lot of ladies in my life, and NO SEX.

im also on strong antibiotics for chronic bronchitis, my regular meds, and havent smoked cigarettes or had any alcohol for two days.

IM GOING INSANE.

im more sexed up than ive ever been in my life.

im probably going to fly to chicago this weekend even though i can't afford it to fuck someone i love. and fuck a LOT.

im going out tonight to a beer garden to 'not drink' but flirt with emma. she has a really sexy voice. i just want to listen to her voice. thats it. i'll keep that as my main goal. the voice.

kelly is about to pick me up to help her move shit in a uhaul. i told her i am good at simple labor tasks. i am burly. then later she realized i really AM burly. im a laborer. its true.

i had a dream where dan and i were having sex. and also, in that dream, my clit was so hard that it grew into a penis. this isnt the first dream in which this has happened. and its always fun. in this dream i suddenly realized i had this huge clitoris dick and as soon as i thought to stroke it this one way i did it, and then i had a big orgasm on the first movement. and before that, when dan was fucking me- i was laying on my back and his face looked really young, and also it wasnt the first time we had fuckeed- his face was really intense, like some indie movie where you see the guy's face looking really intense.

i want my drums back. i dont think she would like leaving chicago. i have fantasies of leaving ny to live with her in chicago. this is ridiculous, in that, i dont think doing this moving kind of thing for love and whatnot is a good idea. the thing you can count on is that lonely kind of sturdiness. although, well, what is sturdy and why should one go for it? i am attracted to a million things about her, and her family really attracts me also. she is very close with them and that really is exciting to me. and they...man. oh man. im just going to be fucked really soon. that i know. fuck long distance. fuck fuck fuck! nashville! god! new york, you stupid retarded asshole

maybe its what heppens to people. and i am people

there are a lot of things... i think if you look up stereotypes about lesbians, there i am.

oh arthur russell

i listen to your songs like a pop candy addiction

and then you make them one minute shorter and the high is cut down smaller than it ever could have been after the first note

and how am i supposed to fall asleep now?

she kept trying to get me to up to harlem. i wish i would have now. it was only an hour and a half ago and it seemed too far. and yet here i am like id be any other goddamn night without anything

i learned my lesson. try to get me to leave that side and i'll punch your goddamned face

i was watching a movie but also in it at the same time. i was different characters at different times, and sometimes just nothing. and the main character was this red haired kind of chubby pubescent boy, whose dad was doing some kind of quasi evil experiments. and he was using some part of lobsters to turn his son and maybe others into the HULK. it was like, HULK origin movie.

and it was set in REDMOND. my home town. and there was a big one of those retention pond things where weeds grow. the first time the boy became HULK, i was in his body, and i asked the dad if i could look at my dick. so i did, and it was really hard and huge and green, and i was so excited that after squeezing it it just immediately started to ooze white goo. then my dad said 'okay okay' wiped it off with a towel and made me put it away. then i took a shower.

but there were these trials, where some situation in which it was planned that i transform into the hulk, and i had to like TRY to do it. but the kid is supposed to get angry or feel some extreme emotion. there is also this hot girl who is totally badass who the kid is in love with and who fools around with him, and she can sometimes be the hulk too, and so can some other people, but it is decided by the mind of the red haired kid. there is one fight in a ghetto wwf type setting where big guys challenge eachother, and the hulk comes out and beats one guy up grotesquely. but also he's still not too experienced, so he gets scared from another guy.

then the bad guys start showing up, which seem to have been local tough guys who dont like the hulk. and it becomes a good vs bad flick set in the rich suburb of redmond, wa. there is even one point where the girl is talking about a guy she used to date, 'one of those microsoft guys', who had his own place and lots of money but still acted like a child. the hulk kid gets intimidated when she talks about this guy. he has sex dreams about fucking the girl as the big sexy hulk with the giant oozing grean dick. and when he wakes up he wonders if that would work, or if she would just get hurt. he hopes that she has a superhuman vagina.

the last scene is on top of a mall that is being built out of logs. like a log cabin mall. the hulk and dad and girl and friends are in some sort of prayer or meditation service on top of the mall skeleton, and then get some snacks or something, and then run into the bad guys. then i realize, as a viewer, that this mall is the one they built near my house when i was growing up. i was like, 'LOOK, THERE'S THE MERVYN'S, THE BANK, THE TARGET!!!' and my friends watching all slowly realized it as well. then we got to a really surrealistic part of the movie where it turned out i had been asked to play a part in a parking lot during the original filming of the movie. i was like, 'oh god, i remember now!' i was wearing lipstick and a skirt, and kept showing my legs and up my skirt, like some kind of excited showy teenager. i was so embarassed at my feminine youthfullness as a viewer of the movie.

then the whole story line fell apart and it warped into a different dream where a young group of people were running away from something bad in the snow and sneaking through big houses.


total redmond dream. i dont know if ive ever had one of those before.

ever.

i spent all day trying not to be stressed. then getting cranky, then stressed again and then trying not to get stressed.

thank god balicki gets back tomorrow. the shop is a-shambles without him.

i think it must just be what happens when you drink too much whiskey and then it snows three inches and is raining by the time you have to go outside.

im going to link now to my new photokeeping system. its the google one called 'picasaweb' and even though the name sounds like 'picasso' lets just keep in mind that it ISNT.

it has pictures of the new life here. in brooklyn. in the wet, snowy wet.

http://picasaweb.google.com/home

cheers

Alyosha, Dmitri, Ivan.

i havent met Ivan so well yet. it must happen sometime i think. but he is last. the crime has occured, the tale is in the middle of a group of boys.

i really love Dostoevsky. when i was a Junior, and my family life and sense of morality was in complete turmoil, we read Crime and Punishment in my ap english class with mr plughoff. the book was exhausting, and i followed it fully into a state of existentialism and depression. since then, ive always considered it one of my favorite books because of its great power, its intimate psychological feeling. this time, the same effect has taken place, but in different ways. fortunately not existential depression, but instead i relate to different characters psychologically. and ive even learned new things, ideas about spirituality i hadnt considered before. dmitri gives me flashes to my last year in chicago, the mania and 'passion,' and alyosha and his relationship with father zossima have inspired new ideas and feelings about caring for others. their beliefs grow from christianity and the bible at its core, where it can really be impressive, and not so much as the history of how its been acted upon. but i guess, as monks in a monastary, like buddhist monks, and 'good' ones at that, they are exploring true goodness in being, morality and respect for all other individuals. it kind of jolted me, in its purity. and its not a purity in the actions of life but in the learning from them, good and bad, and a mentality of compassion.

ivan, im not sure what i will learn from him. he is the intellectual so far, but his true character hasnt so much been revealed, other than his viewpoints on orthodoxy.

its a lot in the dialogue. the mass of the book is dialogue, mostly outer but some inner as well. i think this is how Dostoevsky gets to you, you are taken into the concious of the characters, absorbed into it by the overwhelming spoken mental processes. the way he breaks up speach, the way the characters repeat things over and over, certain words even that they use a lot. the repetition may be part of the key to it. i can't imagine being able to write so well that i convince a reader of a persons character so slowly and strongly, building it up so patiently. i even become impatient sometimes reading, wanting something new to happen and sick of dialogue. but i love it at the same time.


about today, myself, whatnot

i was awoken early by my period friend leaking out. i put in a pathetic little tampon i had, took some pills, and went back to sleep. i was hungover, from alcohol and fried chicken, and intented to sleep as long into the day as i desired. and then head to the studio. the next time i got up was when i knew the tampon had reached threshold and was leaking again. so i got up, changed it again, this time stealing a bigger one from the bathroom with one of those smooth applicators. then i got dressed and ate some toast. i felt like shit. no cramps, just very spaced out, foggy. i read some, took off my shoes and slept more. until 5 or so. i woke up and knew i didnt want to go to the studio anymore. i slept more until 7. now im reading and smoking, drinking diet pepsi with ice. i got two bags of small round tostitos corn chips and a tin of tostitos queso and here i am. occasionally snacking on shitfood and reading an amazing book. im not going to the party joanna invited me to. im not going to drink beer, and im not going to be up very late. im going to set my alarm to get up early in the morning, get a GOOD coffee (if i can find one) and set to work on my newborns.

the cheese is calling.

nothing to say! ha HA

oh wait. i remember

on saturday night i called my mom around 1130 NY time. which is 930 washington time, so i wasnt sure if she'd be up, but i called anyway. i had just walked by their old place in clinton hill earlier in the day, and to my surprise, there was an open house for the condominiums it had recently become. here come's the neighborhood!

so! i had to tell her about how i went inside and whatnot. it was done up so slick and nasty. i swear to god, taste is dead.

also, ive been talking to my mom a lot lately, essentially because i suddenly don't have megan to tell everything to. she was gone for 10 days in california. now she's back, and i feel like it will be different than before i left, like maybe we both appreciated the separation and dont really want it back. but im still trying to figure out whether thats how i feel or not. so.

my mom is still awake, although she's kind of drunk. i can tell because she sounds a certain way. we ended up having a LONG conversation and covered a number of topics which didnt really resonate completely with me until this morning while i was at work.

i talked to her when i went to get falafal, and mentioned the girth of our talk, and she said something about me getting all caught up. but essentially, she was a little truthier than usual, and i really got some dirt!

okay, list format time.

1. my brother is moving back from montana to home, which i knew about but didnt know my mom's true feelings about. which are: she is worried because my dad and brother have a fairly shitty relationship in which my brother thinks my dad has been a terrible father (given a big boost by the patriarchal christian identity he has subscribed to of late), and my father is afraid of my brother, and especially defensive around him. also, they havent spent any time together really in the last 4 years.

also, my brother is kind of a dick. my mom confessed 'you know, i love him because he is my son, but i dont really like him.' she'd never say that sober! she also might take it back if she remembers saying it.

he's kind of a prick to my little sister, very bossy to her and cruel to the boys she dates. which is even weirder considering their history. i learned that he once told ellen he wanted to be the one to introduce her to drugs, since he KNOWS (how to control himself? yeah right). what a lame ass.

which brings me to number 2

2. my sister is going to start having sex. her and my mom are pretty close, and my sis was on birth control because she got a cyst, then said she didnt want to be on bc anymore. THEN, recently, she met this guy james (of lesbian mother fame), and she changed her mind about going off the birth control. SO, good for her.

and my mom says: 'well, if she's going to lose her virginity he's not a bad choice!' she totally has a crush on him. she wouldnt stop saying how sweet and (essentially) HOT he is. haha

3. mom mentioned that dad has recently discovered text messaging, and has been texting with 'caroline' who is the woman he had an affair with. my mom didnt say anything about a discovery on her part, only that they are friends and my dad doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it, or wont accept guilt.

im assuming that my dad is depressed and looking back to the relationship for a little pick me up, whether he acts on it or not.

he is in mexico now, and has been for awhile by himself. he seemed to think that it would be good for him, and he would make art. but instead he is lonely and asked his dad to come down and visit. expecting to make art is always kind of failure trap, the more pressure the less

i think he is headed down a bad road, though. i see a pattern of his avoiding his demons, or troubles, or anxieties. i can see it because i do the same thing when im manic and freaked out. take off in different directions to try and escape a feeling, which never works. i think he needs to seek therapy. a good therapist. but hes very sensitive, easily hurt, and gets angry. he fights with my teenage sister, slams doors, yells. he gets so pathetic. he needs constant emotional support, and cant handle criticism. most of his real friends dont really like spending time with him anymore.

the more i thought about it this morning, the more dismal it all seemed.

and it made me feel like i needed to go home and check up on my family. but then i thought, what am i supposed to do? i can't tell them what to do. its not really my place to DO things. ill let them know im here to talk, and call and whatnot. but both of those shithead guys arent the kind who take advice. especially when its reasonable!

1

fried chicken has a crack-like effect on me. im living in bed-stuy and there is fast fried chicken EVERYWHERE. and i want it ALL THE TIME.

2

i knew i loved brazilian music, ie tropicalia, but not until recently did i really start delving further into whole albums outside of os mutantes and gal costa, and mostly just listened to the Soul Jazz Tropicalia: a Brazilian Revolution in Sound. but this last week i downloaded a number of albums from caetano veloso, Jorge ben, maria bethania, gilberto gil and some others. fucking great! i think the guys at work prob already went through major tropicalia phases years ago, and seem to get a little sick of it when i play it, but i just got new headphones and am in j ben heaven.

3

INDIAN FOOD. i tried to change my facebook relationship status to 'in a relationship with... Flavors of India' but it wouldnt let me choose something NOT existing on facebook already. maybe i should make a profile for my new cookbook.

Flavors of India Recipes from the Vegetarian Hindu Cuisine by Shanta Nimbark Sacharoff.

highly recommended. very simple and delicious recipes, personal insight from the author, and informational sections about every ingredient used in the book - Spices, Milk, Rice, Dals, Sweets, Drinks, Chutneys, Snacks, Vegetables. it is amazing. i 'woke up' this morning and felt it next to my head.

it was published in 1974 and includes many nuggets ridiculing Americans and their eating habits. for example: "It has been brought to my attention that many people in America were weaned on canned peas, carrots and corn as their major introduction to the world of vegetables" and "it is not the custom in India to put salt and pepper on the table when serving meals. In fact this would be considered an insult to the person preparing the food."

4

i dont need to go to any more lesbian event nights. i get drunk, sloppy, and embarrass myself, and NEVER get laid. and then i skip work. at least this time.

resolution: spend more time reading/going to studio/excelling myself in more valuable respects. i already know how to fuck.

sorry lilly, and other onlookers, but this journal will now commence only for those who are my 'friends.' friends means this precisely: individuals who are not hurt by what information i may present (if you are, i assume you'll delete me). also those fucking bestiality creeps. i dont like you!

im reading bataille. the eye. more on that later with excerpts and me shooting off.

i took off my clothes and sat on the couch in bra and green panties with holes in the crotch because i felt warm

i think as soon as im done ill try and finish twenty thousand leagues under the sea because it will wash out my brain, but not my body, because it feels like i did those things too.
have you ever felt pangs in your cunt after hearing of some sexual perversion? i have. it used to hurt when we discussed my brother fucking my sister.

its not a nice feeling.

and if it sounds like i speak of that with an air of vague disinterest, its because i do.

last night! hahaha....i slept with a HOT GUY. like seriously. like, LIKE. it was fun. we were ricidulous drunk though, and michelle flirted with him most of the night. but he is ben's friend and they couldnt do it, so lucky me!

see! i am bi

guess what!? camping was GREAT. also, I/WE are a LOT more juvenile than i knew. we did some weird stuff. and nobody had sex because the others made cj and vanesa take down their two person sex-pod (or so it was called). anyway, i suppose you all know im juvenile. but i guess i didnt realize it was this bad------->>>>BAD


last night we all ate delicious beer brats and drank 30 pbrs. we were many of us trashed. we also got stoned in the tent. haha, it was all filled with smoke, chris called it a 'clam bake' which i had never heard of before. when we were done eating and all sitting around the fire we heard chris yell "GET OUT OF HERE, ASSHOLE!!" and we turned perplexed to see what the fuck it was. it turned out to be a RACOON that inspired an instant rivalry from chris (o'reilly, also there was laura and pat rios). the rest of the night the boys and sometimes me would jump up and throw things at the racoon whenever we heard it coming or saw it. cj was afraid it had rabies and was being protective. chris just HATED it, pat rios enjoyed the hunt i think, and i am just a boy deep down who is easily influenced by gang mentality. for a while i REALLY wanted to kill it! what the fuck is THAT!?

next day we ate delicious chorizo and egg corn tacos for b-fast and packed up everything except one tent, which we then 'clam-baked' again and got silly high. we all sat around the camp a little longer being silly. laura said 'harry potty' instead of harry potter on accident and everyone laughed. and now IM laughing again. we then packed full up and headed to the beach parking lot. there we watched this studly extreme sport type guys 'surf-sail' which is surfing with a huge fucking kite attached to your chest. they did jumps and stuff but were actually being suspended by the sail, so it was slo-mo, like matrix style.
ALSO, pat rios brought his OWN kite which was RAD. we spent two hours all of us taking turns with the kite and dive bombing the rest of us sitting around in the sand. laura actually got hit dead on. we all wondered if the strings could cut of our heads, but we didnt find out! at one point pat was trying to make the kite hover over us, and i played a game where i tried to catch it and jumped up in the air repeatedly until finally i did. i think pat let me.

other things we did: skipped stones, drank diet pepsi, at lots of chips, spilled lots of beer, used a space age grill, and made a zillion stops going both ways.

wow my last entry included a lot of the word 'awesome.'

supposed to go campin today. i had dreams about it, that my mom said stuff

i miss that wholesome goodness of actually caring about someone. instead of fucking with spite. i wish i was lucas, the dog. he is neutered and seems pretty happy, although his schlong does stick out sometimes. i dont know how to spell that.

im gonna go read and eat

ashley, kevin, laura, pat rios, cj, vanesa, chris oreilly, michelle a bit, ben a bit, ben's hot (guy) friend they keep talking about how i should hook up with, all been around. its been great. now its laura kevin ashley and me watching y tu mama tambien and pat talking on the phone. i feel fucking great. spose its the coke. in fact, i KNOW its the coke. but its also the fact that im gonna get laid and im not going to feel coke shitty tomorrow because i didnt do too much and im drinking it off. going camping an hour north on the beach tomorrow. awesome. swimming in my underwear. because, as a rule, i dont own a bathing suit. because, as a fact, swimming naked or in underwear is much more satisfying. fuck bathing suits. bathing suits are just a capitalist thing. make money selling a special easy dry underwear. well i guess its not as bad as some things. and i guess its not that capitalist. but to me, being a born nudist, its just not worth it.

I LOVE this movie. people having sex is hot. specially when they are actors/esses. i cant wait to start working. i love me mom. sex is awesome. i cant wait for the strap-on.

my interview was great. i am so charming!

i might work in the bakery. they get the bread half-baked then finish it. i get called in a couple days, and then a second interview. the dyky lady from the bakery was super nice and a cute girl looked at me in the check-out line. she had a big round face and big eyes. cute!

last night was too depressing to remember.

ive been working on this in my bedroom since i got back. what do you think? boring? fun? hot? needs work, needs a stretch?

is it important, at some point, for every young gay person to be highly involved in the gay culture of that city in which one lives?

because if it is, im totally missing it.

lily was way into it like 6 years ago, michelle is in it now, do i know any other lesbians cept the ones i dated? only a hand full. almost none outside of the ones ive slept with. there's a couple dykes at school i dont like. meg. that girl who dated the hot girl in my wood class.

im socially lazy, shy, and picky. i dont think its likely ill be joining the scene any time soon. and when i get around it, i get overloaded by all the lesbians and act like an ass. like a puppy that doesnt ever see other dogs, but then you take it to the dog park and he freaks out. but i WOULD like a lesbo friend or two.

i need to start meeting people in real life. without going to the community/scene. that's where whole foods comes in. ha!

i started 20,000 leagues under the sea. then i glued it back to its cover and was gonna paint but im all out of turp and am broke. THEN SUDDENLY my phone rang! the minute i saw the unknown 773 area code me heart jumped! it was whole foods! AH!! i got a pre-screen or something on wednesday at 1 oclock. with a lady marilyn. oh goodness. i was started to feel like such a sloth loser who wouldnt be able to stand being broke for long and then would start begging mum for money. and i never have to beg but goddamnit if it makes me feel gross.

shazaam! im in the door. i dont know how i could fail from here. once they see me and my nice face and i tell them ill do ANYthing they want.

and they pay good! like 9.50 to start. i got 8 at lake view with no sign of raise. and you can get insurance and all kinds of stuff. plus learn about things like wine and cheese and meat! i want to do seafood. that would be rad. im already from seattle. what else could they ask? maine!? im real good with a knife. i bet. i want to be a cutter of things! i want to work full time. through next semester and everything and save up money for mexico, then be independant when i get back. aaight. do full time jobs let you take a month off? hm...

i just finished to kill a mockingbird. it was great. id never read it. i wish i was scout. well i kind of was, except not as smart or sassy. they got the best names in that book!
im still painting/reading my days away. and sleeping. its been dull, but i dont think ill do much of anything this summer till i get a job. i think ill put off reading more ulysses for 20,000 leagues under the sea. because im a coffin, not an intellectual.

i want to work at whole foods so much it hurts. and i think i pissed ashley off too much to help me get a job. maybe ill go pester johnny.